One of my burning questions during my second pregnant was, how to get my toddler to adjust with a newborn. Myrra was only 19 months old when Amarra was born. Up until this point, she did not really understand things the way she does now. We had prepared her throughout my pregnancy that she was going to have a baby sister, Amarra. Even though she was very fond of the bump, when Amarra was finally here, there were mixed feelings. So how do you get your toddler to adjust with a newborn?
When my toddler met our newborn for the first time
My water broke at 11:50pm and we had my mother-in-law staying with Myrra that night. The next day, once Amarra was born, we had them visit us at the hospital. I had received mixed feedback on letting her visit the hospital to meet the baby. But we were adamant with letting her come.
She walked into the room and saw me feeding the baby. Myrra started to back out to the door ready to leave. The baby that she waited so long to meet was finally here and she showed no interest that first time she met her. We even had a present for her from her little sister but there was no interest towards the little doll we got her. She was okay to go to daddy but had nothing to do with me.
This honestly broke my heart. She was my first baby and she refused to come to me – I remember crying and breaking down as soon as she left. Rohan gently reminded me that this was a big change for her and we shouldn’t force her to do something that she wasn’t ready for. That day, while sitting at the hospital, we made a game plan! We decided to let her take her time and not keep reminding her that Amarra was here or that she needed to bond with this baby or even make her feel like things were the exact same as before – because they were not. To get your toddler to adjust to a newborn is a slow process and I wish I knew this then.
Once we got home
When we left the hospital, we requested that my in laws bring her home before we got there. Myrra seemed a bit more excited that day and welcomed Amarra home by giving her lots of hugs and cuddles. We had Amarra in the car seat and she wouldn’t leave her for a minute. This lasted for maybe 10 minutes after which she had nothing to do with her.
We co-slept with Myrra and had a bedside bassinet set up for Amarra. That night, before sleeping, Myrra went up to the bassinet and showered her little sister with more hugs and cuddles. This sight truly warmed my heart and even though I thought we were over this hurdle, the worst of it was she still had nothing to do with me. She wouldn’t come close to me or even acknowledge me.
It felt like she was mad at me for bringing in a stranger. She was warming up with Amarra but at this point, the problem was I. Again, we let her be and even though I kept trying to get her to talk to me, I did not over pressure her with anything. I was giving my toddler time to adjust to a newborn after all.
The days after
Days passed this way. She would not look at me and only wanted Rohan around her. Myrra had started regressing at night and waking up screaming at random times to leave the room and come downstairs to sleep. Our toddler wanted to eat in the middle of the night and she wanted her space. One night, she sat by the stairs for 2 hours crying because she did not want to come back in the bedroom. The same room where she had slept since she was a baby and the same room where Amarra was also sleeping now.
Every night when she woke up to come down for a snack, Rohan and I both came down with her. She would only be stuck to him but I felt it was necessary for me to be there just incase she needed me. On the fifth night, she was sitting on daddies lap eating a banana. She kept looking at me like I was a traitor but that look seemed gentler somehow and I could tell that she was hesitating and debating to come to me.
I sat there for an hour not once asking her to come to me. Slowly, she got off daddies lap, came to me, sat on my lap, hugged me and cried. I can’t even tell you how precious this moment was for both of us. My baby girl was adapting to her new surroundings and she was finally ready to accept the reality of things. My baby girl finally needed me and she was here crying on my lap for at least an hour. Things were changing. That night, she cuddled with me the entire night and slept. I knew that my toddler was in the process to adjust to a newborn.
Next morning, it was like we had a whole new Myrra with us. She wouldn’t leave Amarra alone. She would hover over her every second. Myrra had grown up overnight and realized that she was a big sister now. She would want to feed her, dress her, change her diaper and help with every single chore. By this time, I was breastfeeding, supplementing with formula and bottle-feeding Amarra. I started letting Myrra help me with the bottle feeds and put her in charge of watching over baby when mommy was pumping.
As days went by, the bond was extremely evident. Myrra was incomplete without her sister and Amarra would only smile for Myrra when she was around. Myrra still went to day care full time and this even gave her an opportunity to continue living her old life. Now they have been in each other’s lives for years and they are inseparable.
Myrra does not remember a life without Amarra while Amarra has always had her in her life. They continue to play together and cuddle together. Even though we transferred Myrra to her own room a few months back, she wants to sleep with Amarra every single night – a transition we will slowly start making.
What did not work for us
We often had people telling us that to make this adjustment easier, we would have to continue spending one on one time with Myrra. We would have to make her feel that she was still our priority and we would need to take her out alone while the baby stayed home.
Well, we tried this out when Amarra was maybe 2 months old. We left Amarra at my mom’s house while we decided to have a fun day with Myrra. As soon as we sat in the car, she asked, “Where is the baby?” We explained to her that this was going to be our time! She had nothing to do with this arrangement and cried to go back home to be with baby.
We tried it another time and it flopped on us again. This is when we realized that it was not necessary to do this. Myrra would only feel this way if we made her. But if we made sure she knew that we now had an addition and she would be with us at all times, this would be much easier on her. Today, Myrra will refuse to go anywhere without Amarra and that odd time we have to take her with us, she is miserable the entire time.
Adjustment tips
- Do not force the older sibling to do something they are not ready for – give it time and things will change for the better.
- Don’t make one feel more needed than the other – treat them both as equals and even though you may need more time with the newborn, make the older sibling a part of all the baby’s chores.
- If the age gap is not drastic, make sure you take both of them out rather than choosing to spend alone time with the older one because this can be confusing to them.
- It gets easier! Myrra does not remember her life before Amarra and since she really started understanding things, Amarra has always been a part of it.
Final thoughts
If you ask me now, I would say that we did not have it that bad. I had read some terrible stories of regression with the older sibling and they horrified me. I was not prepared that Myrra would be mad at me and I had assumed that her adjustment would only be with the new addition. But there I was trying to put on my own oxygen mask on. What also helped us tremendously was me wearing Amarra quite a bit. My hands were free and I was able to spend more hands-on time with Myrra. To help you choose the right baby carrier, click here.
I felt that giving her the choice to work things out her way helped her bond more quickly with Amarra. If we had pushed her to do it, she would have probably done but at the same time she would have resented us for it. These things take time. I am sure the rules change when you have an older sibling that is much older than Myrra.
It was easier for us because the age gap was pretty small. Even though those days were stressful then, I will always fondly remember the time Myrra broke down and hugged me. That hug was one of acceptance and apology but it meant the world to me. And this is when I knew that my toddler had adjusted to our newborn.
